How To Get Over A Crush On A Coworker

We spend most of our waking hours at our jobs (one-third of our lifetimes to be exact). It seems inevitable that coworker crushes will, from time-to-time, arise.

As humans, we have a basic need for intimacy and connection, but when we add attraction to this mix, there is bound to be another layer of complication. How does that impact us, our work, and our relationship with our peers?
Professor Sean Horan and Professor Rebecca Chory have spent most of their careers trying to understand the implications of having a romantic relationship at work — both on our performance and on our team members.
Across three studies, they found that employees were more likely to lie to, distrust, and find peers dating their superiors less caring than peers dating other peers. Though the studies initially focused on heterosexual relationships, they also found similar results in a final study examining gay and lesbian romances at work.

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From Harvey Specter and Donna Paulsen in Suits to Noh Ji-wook and Eun Bong-hee in Suspicious Partner, workplace romances are prevalent in popular media. IRL, too, crushing on a coworker is common: One recent survey found that half of workers in the United States have dated a colleague — mostly peers (70%) but also their supervisors (18%) and subordinates (21%). In the United Kingdom, that number jumps to two-thirds of workers (66%), according to research published last year.

While some may find those metrics surprising, office romances are at a 10-year low. The current climate around sexual harassment in the wake of the #MeToo movement has likely (and rightfully) played a factor in this decline. Still, when you consider that we spend most of our waking hours at our jobs (one third of our lifetimes to be exact), it seems inevitable that coworker crushes will arise from time to time. As humans, we have a basic need for intimacy and connection, but when we add attraction to this mix, there is bound to be another layer of complication.

How do office romances impact us, our work, and our relationship with our peers?

I reached out to Professor Sean Horan, chair of the Department of Communication at Fairfield University, to learn more about what young professionals need to know. Sean and his research partner, Professor Rebecca Chory, have spent most of their careers trying to understand the implications of having a romantic relationship at work — both on our performance and on our team members.

Their research has specifically examined whether colleagues communicate with you differently if you're dating another coworker. Across three studies, they found that employees were more likely to lie to, distrust, and find peers dating their superiors less caring than peers dating other peers. Though the studies initially focused on heterosexual relationships, the researchers found similar results in a separate study examining gay and lesbian romances at work.

Our conversation highlighted some interesting (and alarming) aspects of how dating someone at work might influence your career. Here are some things you should consider before acting on a crush at work.

Vasundhara: First things first: What's the spoiler alert?

Sean: When you consider whether you want to engage in workplace romance, you should consider two things.

First, the vast majority of relationships, including those outside of a workplace romance, fail. Though there is a chance you may marry the person you're dating at work, the odds are not always in your favor. Think about what might happen if you break up but still work together.

Second, recognize that people will likely communicate with you differently and even view you differently. Can you live with that?

What is that difference? When your colleagues hear about your relationship, what changes?

Our research shows that employees are more likely to treat their peers differently when they are dating their own supervisor than dating someone at their own level, regardless of sexual orientation.

Colleagues are likely to feel that peers dating other organizational members, especially those who are senior to them, may have an unfair advantage or may receive preferential treatment over those employees who do not have a romantic partner at work. They might look at your accomplishments, assignments, duties, and rewards not as a sign of your competence but an outcome of your relationship. We reasoned that the participants feared their peers would share negative information about them with their partners, especially if that partner happens to be a supervisor.

We also observed differences in perceptions of trustworthiness and caring in peer-superior vs. peer-peer relationships. Employees reported that they perceived peers who dated supervisors as less trustworthy and caring — two major components of credibility — and noted feeling less close to those peers in comparison to the ones dating another colleague. When it came to trustworthiness, these perceptions were even more pronounced for female employees involved with a superior.

The pattern is clear: Workplace romance implications are more pronounced when engaged in a peer-supervisor relationship.

So what should one do if they are dating a coworker or superior?

A few things, actually. First, learn your organization's romance policy. In our initial study on this topic, we found that while 56.5% of participants indicated their workplace had a rule banning romantic relationships among coworkers, 22.5% were "unsure" whether such a policy existed.

Many organizations ban romantic relationships between people in reporting roles or insist on dating disclosures, so you need to know if what you're getting into is permissible. Reach out to your supervisor or human resources to understand who you might need to talk to if you're involved in an office relationship (or are planning to be in one).

Next, understand that your interpersonal relationships might change. Since perceptions have the potential to influence communication, think of how communication might change if you date a coworker or boss. The perception that a boss has a bias towards you or is giving you preferential treatment, for example, may lead your coworkers to ''even the playing field'' by withholding vital work-related information from you.

Our research found that employees reported being more likely to communicate deceptive or purposefully inaccurate information to those dating supervisors. This could be harmful to your job success in a workplace where accuracy of information is key and has implications on tasks, teams, and project success.

Then, think about whether you should make the relationship public. In an additional study I conducted with Professor Renee Cowan, we found that coworkers tended to react more positively when they learned of a workplace romance through a personal disclosure from the participant, compared to learning of it another way. That said, if you want to be safe, whether your company has a policy or not, it would be wise to notify HR.

Lastly, if you're a manager dating a teammate (though this is prohibited in many organizations), think about how you'll deal with the impression you're making. Be clear, for example, on the grounds with which you award merit and opportunities to your partner as to avoid perceptions of unfairness. Better yet, consider having that person's annual performance and merit evaluations conducted by another person in a leadership role. You should also consider that there is a power dynamic happening here — you have more power than someone you are managing — and people may question your credibility, bias, and decisions.

I'm sensing a LOT of caution.

In my study with Professor Cowan, we found that people primarily date at work because of perceived similarity, the amount of time spent together, the ease of opportunity, or to hook up. The reality is tougher to manage and should be managed with caution.

Beyond the judgements of your coworkers, think about whether you'll be able to work with this person without it affecting your job if you were to break up. Though everyone should break up in a respectful manner that maintains dignity and honors what you once shared, it doesn't always happen that way.

Given that you will see this person regularly at work and you both have a shared network, be sure to handle any break up with dignity, respect, and care. You should both be able to leave this as adults with your heads held high. If that doesn't happen, speak with your HR to see if you can be transferred to another team and your reporting structure can be changed. In many cases, that is not a possibility depending on the opportunities available at your company. Know that you may have to think about changing your company altogether if the breakup is messy. Ultimately, then, this represents another way dating at work can impact your career.

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When exactly should you notify HR? Right away? As soon as it's official?

This could be tricky, too. Consider a situation where two employees go on three dates. After the first date, they notify HR. By the third, they realize it is not going anywhere. The problem here is that they already alerted HR to something being real and official, when it didn't really exist long-term. Organizational policies actually force employees to face a relationship reality: Is this really a relationship?

The old adage jokes about making it "Facebook official," and memories of grammar school have people sending notes to check a box of whether someone wants to be your boyfriend or girlfriend. Organizational policies, then, force those casually dating to have more serious conversations early on. Alert your HR once you have some clarity.